Portland Rose Garden

It was cold and rainy during the all-school picnic on Monday, but the flowers that were in bloom were beautiful. You can see them all on Flickr.

life

First some good news: I got an assignment to write three articles for an upcoming family travel website. It won't garner much money, but right now any money is good. I also had an interview for a tutor position; that went pretty well, so hopefully that will work out and give me 5-10 hours/week.

But that's part of the bad news: I don't know how I am possibly going to make enough money to live on our own. I need to be making at least $20/hour, but I can't find anything that pays more than $13. At this rate, I'll be commuting an hour-plus to school and work everyday for months. A bit disappointing to say the least. The cost of housing is astronomical and there are so many expenses above and beyond rent (all those school loans comin' due, too) that it's even more impossible.

It's causing more stress and I can't help but be a bit angry about being here, struggling so hard to find a way to support ourselves, when we were living a wealthy, independent life in Vietnam. I'm fiercely independent and this lost ability to do what is my responsibility is frustrating, disheartening and embarrassing. Life is so hard here and I can't even fully explain how deeply it affects everything about me. I'm trying not to hate my life now. Yet so recently I was the happiest I'd ever been. The 180-degree shift has left my head whirling, my stomach ill and my spirit crying.

There's a small part of me that wishes I'd never known such sheer joy in life, that maybe it wasn't for the best; I certainly wouldn't know what I am missing now.

arrived

After the unexpected run for the plane after mis-reading the clock, just over the brink of tears, we found that our plane was running nearly an hour late and we wouldn't miss the flight after all. Thank goodness because this consistent run of bad luck is a bit frustrating. We made it and landed at about 11:30a.m. PST.

And let me just say that the guards to get into democratic America are way scarier than communist China. I will not be heading in and out of Canada again unless absolutely necessary. Worst border crossing yet.

We stopped by my sister's house and I had my first startling response of not being stared at. It was odd to walk by people and not have them give a second glance to us. We're the norm again and I don't particularly like it, even though I didn't like being stared at either.

It's an awkward feeling being here. We've gone through so much in the past nearly seven months and yet, we came back to find everything precisely as we left it. My mom even kept my cell phone for me and had it fully charged. It was a sweet gesture, but at the same time I feel as if the person who used that phone such a short time ago is gone; I'm no longer the woman I was in December.

I don't know what I'm going to do exactly. I have to start paying on those darn school loans and I've got to do something with my life. In Viet Nam I felt I had a purpose, but here, it feels pointless. I've got to find something to give purpose or I'll slip into a whirlpool of depression and who needs that?

I emptied our suitcases today and am missing only a couple of things (two of our three stamps--I shoved them into something to keep them safe during our travels, but don't remember what) and found more clothes that I realized we had. It's good to have a space in my parents' house that is ours and for the first time in months, literally, I slept in a bed all by myself. Ahhh. Audrey is ecstatic to be back and has fallen in love with my folks' pet pomeranian, Stuart found the rest of his stored Legos and I am scouring Craigslist for some sort of income.

Life has changed. I have changed. We'll see what happens next. First, though, I've got to buy a new charger for my PowerBook because I was scatterbrained enough to leave the original one in the hotel in Ha Noi and without my computer is useless.