One year later

Here it is the day after Christmas once again, but this year is markedly different from last. 365 days ago, we were in Seattle waiting to board our Korean Airlines flight to Viet Nam, the culmination of nearly 10 months of planning and saving. A day we thought might never come.

And now, a year later, I sit in the "living room" of our two-room space, chatting via Yahoo with Tung, a former student in Thanh Hoa. One of my favorites, he taught Audrey Vietnamese and basketball, and constantly livened up our classroom. Stuart is playing video games while Audrey catches up on sleep.

The memories of our time in Viet Nam overwhelm me a bit and I'm suffocated by my life here. After nearly a month of job searching, I've yet to score even an interview. Time's running out and I'm bordering on panic, again. Coming back to the States was supposed to be easier than this constant drama of never having enough money and having to choose between being a provider or a caretaker for my kids. They deserve better than this and I regret ever getting on that plane back here, thinking that would solve any problems.

The financial stress is awful and Audrey often complains that I'm just so grumpy, but I can't help it. All I can think of is "How am I going to come up with another $300 to pay rent?" or "Where am I going to find some money for food?" or "How do I explain that no one is getting any Xmas presents from me?" It weighs over me like a ton of bricks and no matter how polished my resume gets, it doesn't seem to be doing me any good.

And then I compare this feeling of an elephant on my chest with the times we were playing on the beach at Sam Son and i can't help but get teary-eyed, aching for those days when the stress didn't come from how we were going to eat, but having to get lunch prepared before I headed off to class for a couple of hours.

I'm hoping that the new year will bring a bit more ease into our lives and some happiness to my heart. It's been a heck of a year with extreme ups and downs that I would have never believed possible.