I haven't cried this much in years

When I decided we were coming to Viet Nam last December, part of the stipulation was that the kids would have a big say in when it was time to go. Little did I realize it would be so hard to leave.

Audrey, in particular, has had a difficult time here and while she says she's glad we came, she wants to go. And I promised we would go back for 4th grade, if she wanted and she does. So what's a mom to do? Break a promise?

Well, let me tell you, I tried to find any way I could to get out of the keeping the promise short of a flat-out "No. We're staying." And that didn't seem like the good-mom thing to do.

There are other issues, as well. Namely family pressures to come back. Audrey hasn't been eating as much as she needs to and has grown little (if any) since we left Tam Ky. Stuart's falling behind in schoolwork, despite threats of repeating 8th grade.

So, with a very heavy heart I told my dear students, that I, too, would be leaving them. I don't know that I have ever cried that hard in public and I had to do it in two classes in the same day. Last Monday will live on in infamy as the day I couldn't stop crying.


I dissolve into tears at the oddest times. When I'm scrubbing laundry. Or walking home from the market. Or making another dish of fried rice. Or writing this blog entry. My sadness about leaving pervades all I do and try as I might, I can't seem to get past it quite yet.

I had high hopes of coming back for another four to six weeks while the kids had a needed break in the States, but flights are too expensive to justify the trip. If I can find cheap flights, I'd be back here at the drop of a hat.

Guilt lingers over me and I feel like a failure. As a teacher. As a mother. As a woman. Against my strongest desires, I will take my kids back to America, to a life of food stamps and not enough time together. This saddens me in a way that few could understand.


Here, I have been happier than ever before. I love my job and I love my students. I love the simple life in Thanh Hoa. I 'm lucky that I can spend 20 hours a day with my kids and I can provide well for them. Unfortunately instead of using the money that I have worked so hard for to travel, as I had so hoped, I will spend every last dime to get them home.

But not without a bit of fun on the side. I did promise them Hong Kong Disneyland, as well.

My contract ends in two weeks. The end of this life, at least for now. We'll head off to Sa Pa, hopefully with some of my students joining us, then during the first week of July we will fly to Hong Kong, then visit our friends in Shenzhen before heading to Shanghai where we'll catch a tiny plane to Vancouver, B.C. We're hoping to get our legs under us again there and spend a couple of days in Canada before taking the train down to Portland, Oregon. Home, though it doesn't feel like it to me anymore.

So, while I mourn my loss, the kids eagerly await seeing friends and family. Our close quarters force me to be creative in my expression of sadness. It comes when I am alone. Or like now, as they are sleeping and I lie awake pondering our future.